Deep Thoughts by Carey Cooper

Fighting FEAR in Guatemala

I'm a scaredy cat. A really big scaredy cat truth be told. Oh sure, I may look brave moving to Guatemala, but it's just an act. I thought I would be able to leave at least some of my fears in the States, but no, those pesky fears must have snuck into my luggage because here they are. And oh boy, are they showing their ugly faces this week. From smallest to biggest, here are my top three:

1. Fear of getting lost

I know, this sounds a bit silly... But if you've ever been in a car with me and I had to make more than one turn, then you probably know what I'm talking about. I have a bad sense of direction. I mean really bad. When we moved to NJ, and I had to commute from Toms River to Princeton, I got lost at least a dozen times before Dad and Donna gave me an early birthday present. Some people call it a GPS system, but I call it a gift from God. :)

Well, today, I had to drive from Panajachel where we live to Camanchaj where we work BY MYSELF. Jay is out of town with another medical team. The drive is long (at least 45 minutes), and detours are common on market days and during the dry season because it's the only time road work can be done. Having a GPS here would be pointless, but a map would be helpful, or how about street signs? And I'm pretty sure I haven't seen a 7-Eleven where I can stop and ask for directions. If I got lost, I could call Jay or someone at the clinic, but the conversation would probably go something like this -- "I'm not sure... I see corn, and umm, more corn... Can you come get me?"

2. Fear of the dark

Maybe I watched too many scary movies or read too many scary books when I was a kid, but I've always been afraid of the dark, or better put, the stalker lurking in the dark. For the past several years, when Jay was working as a youth minister, I would dread the long nights when he was away on youth retreats. I'd put a chair under my bedroom doorknob, keep mace under the bed, take tylenol p.m., and pray to make it through the night. I know. You think I'm exaggerating, but I'm really not.

Well, Jay is gone this week, which means... I'M BY MYSELF. In GUATEMALA. And umm, no one told us that traveling was going to be part of Jay's job when we agreed to come here. Granted, our boss, Phil, lives in the apartment downstairs. But hey, I can't think rationally at 3 a.m. Especially in Guatemala.

3. Fear of disappointing others

My first two fears affect me every now and then, but this one... Well, it runs my life. In the States, I was terrified of disappointing my bosses, my friends, my family, God. I felt that I was never a good enough student, employee, friend, wife, sister, daughter, etc... And I spent a lot of nights worrying about this. When I wasn't worrying about the stalker that is. :)

More than any of my other fears, I had hoped to leave this one behind. But unfortunately, it followed me to Guatemala, and it has been harrassing me ever since the preschool opened. As I mentioned in an earlier blog, we had a rough start with the septic system problems, but it's not just that. Several children have dropped out, and one of our teachers quit last week. Now, I'll readily admit that most of what has happened is not under my control, but the truth is that I can't help but feel like a failure at times. I can't help but worry that I'm disappointing my boss and the preschool sponsors, not to mention the students and their families....

So, in summary, this week is tough. And yet, here I am, getting up every morning and fighting my fears. If I can do it here, I can do it anywhere, right? But I couldn't do it without the love and support of my friends and family. So thanks to you all for your encouraging words and prayers.

Love, cc