God Loves You...now MOVE IT!

I am not a good driver, which means that I fit in very well in Guatemala. In fact, being unsafe and overly aggressive actually has served me well while driving here in this country. When I first took to the roads over one year ago, I was petrified. Now, however, I'm convinced that anyone can drive here - all you have to do is follow a few simple rules...

Respect the Hierarchy!

You will survive the mean-streets of Guatemala if you yield to vehicles in the following order:

1. School Bus (known as a "Chicken Bus" by most) - Hi, Satan taught me to drive. Don't ever look me directly in the grill. Don't ever try to pass me. Don't think I won't run you off the road to pick-up one more 10-cent fare. I rule these roads - the sooner you learn that the better. Watch for me in your nightmares.

Most of my friends paint "God Loves You" on the front of their windows. And I'll help get you to God sooner than you expected!

2. Dump Truck - Hi, I'm bigger than the Bus but I know my place. Beware of me backing up into you and creating huge traffic jams in small towns!

3. Toyota Pick-up - Hi, I may be stuffed with 22 Mayans, but my mighty V-6 engine won't quit. Remember, on the 8th day God created the Toyota. Don't get too comfortable - I'll be swinging wide around that tight corner right ahead of you!

A light load for me.

4. Gringo in early 1980's Car - Hi, I really have no idea what I'm doing, but I've got the Embassy on my side! I will blind you with the glare bouncing off of my white forehead. Watch for me going the wrong-way on a one-way street.

5. Tuc-tuc - Hi, I may be small and run on a lawn-mower engine, but we swarm pueblos like angry bees. And yes, my 13 year-old driver will take that turn on two wheels! Don't step out into that street too fast - I'll be there!

There are 150 Tuc-tuc's (named after a small animal) in Pana - many of us are super "pimped" out with lights and flashy painting.

Remember: You have NO rights as a pedestrian.

As American's we assume crossing a busy intersection is our God-given right. If you follow that logic here you'll be road kill quick. In Guatemala, you have zero rights when crossing a street. A chicken bus driver will run you down without a second thought, stop to urinate on the side of the road, and then go home and put another notch in his bedframe.

When stopped by the police, play DUMB!

Works everytime. Tell them you didn't know you needed a Guatemala drivers-license. Tell them you're lost. Tell them you're here to de-worm orphans. Just don't tell them anything in Spanish!

Congratulations! You're now "road-ready" for Guatemala.

Oh yeah, one last thing before getting on those roads...pray!

Peace ; )

Jay